8 of 10: Focused Mentoring

8. You don’t have to be best friends with your mentor, select something specific to learn from them

This is somewhat of a continuation of the previous two entries but I think important. I have some all or nothing characteristics in me and when I started being mentored over 20 years ago this all or nothing was in full force. 

A man that mentored me in college was a fine leader and taught me a lot about being a father, spiritual leader, and husband. But when it came to his work, he gave more to his work and in my opinion would neglect his family. He had a job with a company that required him to work every waking hour of the day. When he would describe what a day on the job looks like I had a hard time separating what he was mentoring on and not getting caught up in how overworked I thought he was. As a result of this, I began to dismiss the other direction that he was giving and our relationship didn't deepen but flattened. I didn't want a mentor, I wanted a best friend too.

Fast forward this twenty years or think about it in your own experience. We still want people to mentor us that are consistent and demonstrate integrity. Alternatively, if we are asking someone to mentor us in a specific area or on a particular topic can we accept the fact that there will be inconsistencies and there will be things we don't like about them? Similarly, if we are honest with ourselves, we have inconsistencies and things that are in-congruent with our beliefs.

This concept of focused mentoring allows you to find mentors that will teach you specific things and for only a given season of life. It acknowledges a reality and an honesty and candor to our mentoring. It keeps us from setting the mentor up as an idol and helps you to seem them as a person with feet of clay much like ourselves.

Till next time... 

7 of 10: Mentor selection

7. When considering a mentor…people can mentor you in two ways, you either want to be like them or you don’t want to be like them.

I have two little kids, Jacob is 6 and Chloe is 3. When I think of informal mentors, as in people they see day in and day out, in their life, I know that my wife and I may be their most influential mentors in their lifetime. These kids watch everything we do and don't do and hear everything we say or don't say. It is humbling as a parent what my children pick up from my strengths and weaknesses. I am sure all parents can relate to that. As they grow and mature, there will be ways in which my kids will want to be like me and ways in which they will not want to be like me.

The reason why I mention my kids is because as we get in a business setting we look for mentors, formal and informal. In that process of looking for someone to mentor, we need to acknowledge that we have already had mentors in our lives for as long as we have had parents. So I may have some past experience being mentored that may affect my expectations of what a formal or informal mentor should be like. The question then becomes, what should I look for in a mentor as a employee of company XYZ?

Point 7 is a little tongue in cheek but consider the wisdom of the principal. If you are willing to learn and be a student of everyone that you come into contact with, the workplace and life is full of mentors.

For the mentor that you want to be like, here are the things that I consider...

• Can they actually do or have they done what you are hoping to learn?
• Could they enlarge your circle of associates?
• What is it specifically that I admire about them that I would like to emulate? If this mentor is honest and candid, you will discover things about them that you don't admire as well. 
• Have they suffered or endured or thrived through difficulty?
• Do they have some personal integrity? Do their words match their actions?
• Are they open to being a formal mentor, sharing what they know?

For the mentor that you have watched and don't want to be like, here are the things that I consider...

• Given the opportunity, what would you have done differently?
• What was it that happened that was lacking in savvy or wisdom? Have you ever done that or a similar experience?
• If you could mentor that person, what would you work on with them? Do you need work in that same area?
• If they were open to feedback, how would you help them?
• Does paying close attention to them spare me from potential difficulty or teach me something I need to learn?

So, if you have found the person that has the ability, subject matter expertise, or experience in a particular area, what do you do next?

Do you want to be like them enough to want to ask for a formal mentoring relationship or do you want to watch them from afar and wait and see? You will never know unless you ask.

Until next time...